The Doom Fortress of the Chaos Dwarves!

A Play in One Act (of Questionable Quality)

Characters:

  • NIAELO: A Drow cleric. Played by someone delivering lines with odd pauses and sometimes inappropriate emotional tone. Wears black clothes and obviously plastic spider rings.

  • C'NUT: A rogue type/illusionist. Played by someone striking dramatic poses that don't quite land, constantly fiddling with a cape made from a repurposed curtain.

  • BESKAR: A warrior type. Wears mismatched armor pieces (some plastic, some cardboard painted silver) that clank unconvincingly. Carries a large foam hammer labeled "ARCHITECT'S MAUL" in marker. Has a "jetpack" made of two soda bottles taped loosely to their back.

  • CHET: A magic user. Wears a pointy hat that keeps falling over their eyes. Waves hands vaguely when "casting spells," often looking down as if checking instructions.

  • ELLI: Niaelo's spider companion. Represented by a sock puppet operated visibly and somewhat distractedly by NIAELO.

  • CHAOS DWARVES (x3-4): Played by stagehands wearing ill-fitting fake beards and cheap plastic helmets that wobble. One might be wearing modern sneakers. Carry plastic toy axes. Have "gas masks" that look like painted paper plates with tubes dangling off, held on with visible string.

  • DEEP GNOME PRISONERS (x2): Played by the same actors as the dwarves, now hunching over exaggeratedly and looking generically sad.

  • HASTUR THE DEMON SUMMONER: Played by the actor playing CHET, but now wearing a slightly fancier, albeit still cheap, robe over their wizard costume and holding a crooked stick labeled "STAFF OF OATHKEEPER" like it's heavy.

  • GREATER DEMON: Another, larger sock puppet, possibly red, lowered jerkily from the ceiling on a visible string.

  • VROCK (BIRD DEMON): Sounds are made by someone flapping cardboard wings offstage while making a half-hearted "CAW!" sound.

  • PURPLE WORM: A large purple fabric tube, possibly held up by two stagehands who are clearly visible and trying not to stifle laughter as they maneuver it.

Setting: A dimly lit stage. Upstage is a large cardboard box painted grey, representing the "Fortress." It has flap doors and poorly drawn arrow slits that look ready to peel off. Downstage right is a cluster of painted cardboard mushrooms ("Copse") that wobble when actors get near. A line of blue glitter on the floor represents the "Mist Moat." A faint, flowery scent occasionally drifts from offstage. A painted backdrop shows generic cave walls with some visible wrinkles.

(The play opens. NIAELO, C'NUT, BESKAR, and CHET stand awkwardly center stage, squinting towards the Cardboard Fortress.)

BESKAR: (Stiffly, as if reading) So. We journey deep... into the Underdark. Our destination: Skullport. But first... (Pauses, finds place on imaginary script) ...we must acquire the beskar. It lies within that fortress, held by chaos dwarves. Our sworn enemies. Grr. (Makes a weak growling noise).

CHET: (Adjusting hat, which slips again) Indeed. Look at the fortress. Such large doors. And a moat filled with... noxious mist! (Sniffs the air vaguely). Patrols guard it well! Heavily armored... and masked against the fumes! (Peers intently, though the masks are obviously fake).

C'NUT: (Strikes a pose, nearly overbalancing) Towers loom! Arrow slits watch! A truly formidable structure! (Says this with great seriousness, despite looking at a cardboard box).

NIAELO: (Holds up sock puppet abruptly) Elli! My faithful spider! Go! Scout the path ahead! Be swift and silent! (Waggles sock puppet towards the Fortress box. Makes it "climb" the side with jerky movements). Go on! Be sneaky! (Puppet flops behind the box).

(An uncomfortable silence stretches for about ten seconds. NIAELO brings the sock puppet back, holding it to her ear.)

NIAELO: Elli returns! (Voice slightly higher for Elli, but still flat) Squeak! Patrols circle! Four dwarves! Very predictable! There is a chimney high above! It leads inside! I saw... gnomes! Deep gnomes! Prisoners! Mining rocks... very sadly! Squeak! (Normal voice, turning to the others) Okay. The fortress interior holds prisoners.

CHET: (Eyes wide with misplaced concern) Prisoners? Deep gnomes? Can we not free them? Perhaps they hold valuable information!

NIAELO: (Delivers line with zero emotion, shrugging slightly) Do not trouble yourself, Chet. Should they perish... I can simply reanimate their corpses later for questioning. It is... efficient.

C'NUT: (Snaps fingers, startling himself) An idea! I shall weave an illusion! A simple merchant, perhaps, setting up camp nearby! It will draw the guards' attention!

BESKAR: (Nodding slowly) Good. While they investigate... we shall procure their breathing apparatus!

NIAELO: And I shall ascend via the chimney! A diversion from above! For... Lolth's glory! (Looks upwards vaguely).

(C'NUT waves his hands with flourish but little effect. A stagehand hesitantly pushes a small, poorly painted cardboard cutout labeled "GNOME MERCHANT?" near the mushroom copse. Two CHAOS DWARF actors shuffle stiffly towards the cutout, bumping into each other.)

DWARF 1: (Monotone) Halt. What is that?

DWARF 2: (Equally monotone) Appears to be... commerce. Let us investigate. Slowly. As is our way.

(As the DWARVES examine the cutout with dull curiosity, C'NUT and BESKAR leap out from behind the mushrooms with uncoordinated lunges.)

C'NUT: Aha! Prepare yourselves! (Swings a plastic sword with a loud "Swish!" sound effect made with his own mouth, missing by a foot.)

BESKAR: Feel my hammer! For the beskar! (Brings the foam MAUL down with a soft thud against DWARF 1's shoulder. The actor waits a beat, then collapses.)

(The second DWARF looks momentarily confused, then also falls down dramatically.)

C'NUT: (Wipes brow with the back of his hand, looking heroic) Victory! Quickly, their masks! (Picks up a paper plate mask, fumbles trying to hold it).

NIAELO: My cue! I ascend! (Starts miming climbing up the side of the cardboard Fortress, struggles for a moment, then gives up and walks around the back). Elli! Follow! (Waggles sock puppet).

(Lights flicker slightly. NIAELO appears, peering over the top edge of the Fortress box.)

NIAELO: (Shouting, but voice cracks) TREMBLE, DWARVES! I HAVE ARRIVED! LOLTH SHALL CLAIM YOUR PITIFUL SOULS! WITNESS HER WRATH! (Lowers the GREATER DEMON sock puppet on its string into the center of the box. The string is clearly visible). FEAR... THIS!

(Sound effect: Someone offstage bangs a pot lid twice, belatedly. The DEEP GNOME actors inside the box jump slightly.)

(Meanwhile, BESKAR, C'NUT, and CHET approach the flap doors. They hold the paper plate masks awkwardly near their faces.)

BESKAR: (Hearing the pot lid after a delay) The signal! Stand aside! (Swings the foam MAUL at the cardboard flap door. It tears slightly and hangs open). Ha! We are through!

(CHET and C'NUT stumble "inside" the Fortress box entrance, bumping into the sides.)

CHET: Great Scott! Look there! Ballistas! (Points with a trembling finger at two cardboard tubes taped together on a small ledge inside the box). But... wait! They are unmanned! What fortune!

C'NUT: The demonic assault must have drawn the guards away! Excellent! Onward! To aid Niaelo!

(They clamber awkwardly onto the small ledge next to the cardboard ballistas. NIAELO, still perched on top, pulls out a red streamer.)

NIAELO: Taste arcane fire! Fireball! (Throws streamer vaguely downwards. It drifts slowly and lands near a DWARF actor who carefully steps over it).

(C'NUT, BESKAR, and CHET are now on the ledge. C'NUT pulls out a small, empty pouch.)

C'NUT: Choke on this, fiends! Dust of Sneezing and Choking! (Shakes the empty pouch dramatically. All actors inside the box, including the DEMON puppet operator, begin fake coughing and sneezing with exaggerated, unconvincing gasps.)

DWARF 3: (Entering the box stiffly) What disrupts the work? Intruders! And... Master Hastur approaches!

(CHET ducks behind a flap of cardboard momentarily, then emerges wearing the slightly fancier robe over his wizard hat and holding the crooked stick.)

HASTUR/CHET: (Holding stick aloft, voice straining for gravitas) I... am Hastur! The Summoner of Demons! Wielder of the... (pauses, as if remembering) ...Staff of the Oathkeeper! Now, witness true power! A rift shall open! (Waves stick vaguely. Lights flicker erratically, one bulb blows with a pop).

CHET'S ORIGINAL ACTOR (now just CHET, peeking from behind C'NUT): I shall attempt to counter his foul magic! (Waves hands weakly. Frowns). Alas! The shrine nearby... its profane power... it interferes! My spell fails! (Slumps slightly).

(Sound effect: The offstage person flaps cardboard wings listlessly and makes a weak "caw..." sound. Someone shakes a sheet of tin half-heartedly.)

HASTUR/CHET: Tremble! The Vrock appears! Its shriek will... uh... tear your souls! (Looks expectantly offstage. Nothing happens). FEAR IT!

(Suddenly, the large PURPLE WORM fabric tube is pushed violently through the side of the cardboard box Fortress, knocking over a DWARF actor who cries out in genuine surprise.)

BESKAR: (Eyes widening slightly) A great worm! But... the beskar! There! (Points to some tinfoil squares glued to a corner of the box. Taps his soda bottle jetpack). Engaging... flight! Whoosh! (Performs a small, awkward hop towards the tinfoil).

C'NUT: Hastur flees towards his shrine! Elli, pursue! (NIAELO waggles the spider puppet towards HASTUR/CHET as he stumbles out of the box through a side rip.)

(The PURPLE WORM tube bumps into the area where the VROCK sounds came from, then nudges the DEMON sock puppet, which dangles limply.)

CHET: More cleansing fire! Begone, foul dwarves! (Waves hands with red streamers attached towards the remaining DWARF actors, who remember to fall over.)

(Cut to: A smaller cardboard alcove off to the side, hastily labeled "SHRINE". HASTUR/CHET stands waving his stick frantically. C'NUT runs in, followed by NIAELO waggling the Elli puppet.)

HASTUR/CHET: You cannot stop me! Another ritual begins! Power! Demons! Muahaha! (His laugh is cut short as C'NUT taps him on the shoulder with his plastic sword). Oof! Unhand me!

(The PURPLE WORM tube pokes its entrance into the Shrine alcove, bumping the cardboard wall.)

C'NUT: (Gasps unconvincingly) We are trapped! Retreat!

(NIAELO runs back towards the main box, scrambles awkwardly onto the top again.)

NIAELO: (Pointing with newfound confidence) Worm! Hear me! Flee this place! Return to the depths! (Points downwards forcefully). By Lolth's will... GO!

(The two stagehands holding the PURPLE WORM look at each other, shrug, and lower the tube out of sight behind the box, leaving the rip in the cardboard.)

C'NUT: (Running out of the Shrine alcove with the Elli puppet) It obeyed! Let's go!

NIAELO: (Jumps clumsily into the Shrine alcove) Now, Hastur! Your soul belongs to the Spider Queen! And your staff... is mine! (Picks up the crooked stick. HASTUR/CHET actor lies down stiffly). It is done!

(The PURPLE WORM tube suddenly reappears from below, bumping NIAELO's legs.)

NIAELO: Whoa! (Dodges slowly, almost tripping). Too close! (The WORM tube nudges her again, harder). OUCH! Struck! The vile stinger! (Clutches chest dramatically, wobbling but staying upright). But I... I resist! My Drow heritage... Lolth's blessing... protects me! Yes! (Nods firmly, looking unconvinced).

C'NUT: (Stands outside the alcove, squinting intensely and holding his temples) Foul beast! Feel the power of my mind! Begone! (Makes a strained face).

(The WORM tube slowly retreats out of sight again.)

BESKAR: (Walking over, holding up crumpled tinfoil) I have secured the beskar ingots!

CHET: (Dusting off hat, which immediately falls over his eyes again) The chaos dwarves are routed! The fortress is... mostly intact!

NIAELO: (Walking out of the shrine, holding the stick proudly) And Hastur is vanquished! His staff is ours! Let us depart from this place!

(The four actors gather center stage, panting lightly and trying to look heroic.)

BESKAR: (Holding up tinfoil) Precious metal.

NIAELO: (Holding up stick) Powerful artifact.

CHET: (Adjusting hat one last time) We faced great peril... and emerged victorious!

C'NUT: (Nods seriously, striking one final awkward pose) Next stop... Skullport!

(They turn and shuffle awkwardly offstage. As they exit, the cardboard Fortress emits a soft ripping sound and leans slightly to one side. The lights flicker and fade to black.)

(FIN)