(Scene opens on a dimly lit stage. Cardboard boxes painted grey haphazardly suggest a "mining cavern." A wobbly platform serves as the "overlook." Niaelo, wearing what appears to be a Halloween witch costume with mismatched leggings, stands precariously on a milk crate.)

NARRATOR (offstage, reading from a crumpled script): The battle… uh… rages.

(Niaelo dramatically flings a crumpled ball of red tissue paper into the general direction of the stage floor.)

NIAELO (loudly, unconvincingly): Behold! My… uh… fireball! Into the… melee!
(C'Nut, wearing a stained bathrobe and a colander on his head, stumbles onto the platform followed by Beskar, who is mostly covered in aluminum foil, and Chet, who is wearing a wizard hat clearly made from construction paper.)

C'NUT (out of breath): We have… reached the… uh… landing! With our… (peers at a bent coat hanger) …balisatas! Which… overlooks… the main… uh… mining cavern!

(C'Nut clumsily throws a small bag of flour onto the stage floor. Some of it gets on Beskar.)

C'NUT (with exaggerated coughing): Take that, fiends! The rare… uh… Dust of Sneezing and Choking! In your… general… vicinity!

(Everyone on stage pretends to cough dramatically, including Niaelo on her milk crate.)

NARRATOR: However! More… uh… chaos dwarves are nearby! And… a shaman… of some kind!

(A figure in a bedsheet with sharpie markings for runes – Hastur – shuffles onto the stage, holding a stick he clearly found in his backyard.)

HASTUR (in a monotone voice): I… am… Hastur… the Demon… Summoner. Wielder… of the… Stick… of the… Oathkeeper. And… I… begin… summoning… a demon.

(Hastur waves his stick vaguely.)

CHET (squinting): I… attempt… to… counterspell! But… the power… of the nearby… (points to a shoebox with a skull drawn on it) …chaos dwarf… shrine… is too much!

(Chet waves his construction paper hat feebly. Suddenly, a large, lopsided drawing of a bird on a stick is thrust onto the stage from the wings.)

NARRATOR: A huge… uh… bird demon! Called a… Vrock! Appears… from a… (makes a whooshing sound) …miasmic portal! And… unleashes… a… (tries to imitate a screech but just makes a high-pitched whine) …soul wrenching scream! That… shakes… the… (wobbles the cardboard boxes slightly) …cavern walls!

(Everyone on stage clutches their ears and winces in an overly dramatic fashion.)

NARRATOR: Reeling… from the… dust… the… sonic attack… a… tissue paper… and… each other… Niaelo’s… uh… demon… and the… chaos dwarves… continue… to… fight.

(The actors mill around awkwardly for a moment.)

NARRATOR: Out of nowhere! A… colossal… purple… (holds up a long, purple sock puppet) …worm! Bursts… through the… (kicks one of the cardboard boxes weakly) …wall! Drawn by the… uh… scream!

(The sock puppet is waved around erratically. The "battle" devolves into more awkward milling.)

NARRATOR: Hastur… flees… to his… shoebox. Beskar… ignites his… (flicks a lighter that doesn't light) …jetpack… to claim… a stash… of… (holds up a few crumpled pieces of silver foil) …beskar ingots. The worm… eats the… bird drawing… and… squishes… Niaelo’s… uh… demon. Chet… incinerates… more… chaos dwarves… with… (waves his hands vaguely) …magical fire… from… behind a… (leans against another wobbly box) …cover.

(C'Nut and Elli – who has inexplicably joined the scene wearing dish gloves – chase Hastur offstage. A loud banging sound is heard from offstage.)

NARRATOR: C’Nut… puts a swift end… to the ritual… by… pummeling… Hastur… with his… colander. But… the demon summoner… survives… for now!

(The sock puppet is shoved through the "wall" again.)

NARRATOR: The worm… goes into the… next room… trapping… C’Nut… Elli… and… Hastur! Niaelo… runs along the… (wiggles her fingers above her head) …ceiling… and… commands… the worm… to flee!

(Niaelo points dramatically at the sock puppet. The sock puppet is pulled offstage.)

NARRATOR: It obeys! Leaving a… big hole! C’Nut and Elli… flee back! Niaelo… runs into the… shoebox… to claim… Hastur’s… uh… soul… and his… stick!

(Niaelo rummages in the shoebox. Hastur peeks out from behind a curtain.)

NARRATOR: Hastur… is slain! But… the worm returns!

(The sock puppet reappears, wobbling.)

NARRATOR: She narrowly… avoids… being eaten! Less lucky… with the… deadly… (taps the end of the sock puppet) …stinger!

(Niaelo clutches her chest dramatically.)

NARRATOR: Her… poison resistance… and… divine protection… barely save her! C’Nut… drives the worm away… with a… (makes a series of whooshing noises with his mouth) …powerful psychic attack! And the group… flees… the… cardboard boxes!

(The actors stumble offstage in different directions.)

NARRATOR: Shaken… but alive… they admire… the foil… and the stick. Next stop… Skullport!

(The lights flicker and go out.)